Final Straits Times Article
GRANDPARENTING A CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS
© CHOO Kah Ying
In this day and age characterised by families with two working parents, grandparents all over the world are serving as primary caregivers of their grandchildren. With their commitment to their grandchildren, along with their wealth of parenting experiences, grandparents are often ideal candidates for this important task.
However, raising children with special needs can often prove to be an overwhelming endeavour that can be overly taxing and demanding for grandparents. Whether it be the children’s inability to communicate, their display of socially inappropriate behaviours, or their physical handicaps, children with special needs often require caregivers to suspend their conventional notions of raising children. Essentially, grandparents, in spite of their years of experience in parenthood, can be reduced to novices grappling with moments of utter confusion or incomprehension. They are bewildered at how their age-old strategies and methods that had worked so well with their children are rendered irrelevant or ineffective with their grandchildren with special needs.
During the course of my journey of raising an autistic child, I have encountered grandparents with differing perceptions of their grandchildren with special needs. On one end of the “grandparenting spectrum” is the ideal grandparent who is exemplified by Grandmother Carol -- the primary caregiver of Bryan, her six-year-old autistic grandson. With a twinkle in her eye and a smile of grandmotherly pride, she would tell us about her activities with Bryan.
“Bryan did not say any words until he was four, or play with his cousins. He would stay with me when I was baking cookies or some other dishes – my favourite pastime. Bryan would help me with kneading the dough – a good sensory activity. It would be a big mess, but he was very interested. These days, he walks around the kitchen, naming all the items in the kitchen and spelling out words on the containers: F – L - O – U – R.”
I remember sitting there in complete awe of this seventy-year-old grantparent who was ferrying her autistic grandchild to different therapies three days of the week and interacting with him at home. She was seemingly undaunted by the challenges of her grandchild’s deficits and difficulties. Because of her inclusion of Bryan into her cooking activities, Grandmother Carol helped to draw him out of his autistic world.
On the other end of the spectrum are the grandparents who want to have nothing to do with their grandchildren with special needs. Some parents lament the fact that their parents dote on the typical grandchildren of their siblings, while excluding their children with special needs from family gatherings. Although they are willing to babysit their typical grandchildren, these grandparents will not extend the same offer to their grandchildren with special needs.
Most grandparents, I believe, occupy the middle zone of the spectrum. They are enthusiastic and passionate about raising their grandchildren with special needs. However, they lack the knowledge of appropriate strategies to know how to raise these children successfully. Governed primarily by their previous parenting experiences and/or conventional notions of parenting, these grandparents sometimes do more harm than good inadvertently.
For instance, while holding the hand of a child when walking in public is a common practice, in the case of a non-verbal autistic child, a grandparent’s insistence on holding this child’s hand may be construed as an act of restraint by the latter. The child may react by pinching or even biting the hand of the grandparent to get him or her to let go.
Similarly, grandparents trying to teach their grandchildren who have learning difficulties such as hyperactivity and the inability to attend, due to developmental disorders, may not realize that the conventional worksheets or teaching approaches for typical children are inappropriate. Forcing them to learn in this fashion will not only be ineffective, but also be stressful for both the grandparents and the children.
In making these observations, it is not my intention to dissuade grandparents from caring for children with special needs. Believe me, Grandmother Carol did not start out on this journey with the innate wisdom of knowing how to raise Bryan. As with us parents, Grandmother Carol gained the knowledge and information from the therapists in her dialogues with them at the end of the sessions. The knowledge and information she accumulated enabled her to better understand Bryan and interact with him effectively.
There is no question that raising grandchildren with special needs can be extremely difficult for grandparents who have already invested tremendous effort in raising their own children to adulthood. However, for those of you who are still going strong (and I know of many grandparents who are), I hope that you will not be put off by the fact that you may have to set aside some of your previous knowledge and experience to learn new caregiving strategies and approaches. As with Grandmother Carol, you can also become an effective and successful grandparent of children with special needs and serve as the first line of support for your own child.
Choo Kah Ying is a parent trainer. Kchoo7@gmail.com
© CHOO Kah Ying
In this day and age characterised by families with two working parents, grandparents all over the world are serving as primary caregivers of their grandchildren. With their commitment to their grandchildren, along with their wealth of parenting experiences, grandparents are often ideal candidates for this important task.
However, raising children with special needs can often prove to be an overwhelming endeavour that can be overly taxing and demanding for grandparents. Whether it be the children’s inability to communicate, their display of socially inappropriate behaviours, or their physical handicaps, children with special needs often require caregivers to suspend their conventional notions of raising children. Essentially, grandparents, in spite of their years of experience in parenthood, can be reduced to novices grappling with moments of utter confusion or incomprehension. They are bewildered at how their age-old strategies and methods that had worked so well with their children are rendered irrelevant or ineffective with their grandchildren with special needs.
During the course of my journey of raising an autistic child, I have encountered grandparents with differing perceptions of their grandchildren with special needs. On one end of the “grandparenting spectrum” is the ideal grandparent who is exemplified by Grandmother Carol -- the primary caregiver of Bryan, her six-year-old autistic grandson. With a twinkle in her eye and a smile of grandmotherly pride, she would tell us about her activities with Bryan.
“Bryan did not say any words until he was four, or play with his cousins. He would stay with me when I was baking cookies or some other dishes – my favourite pastime. Bryan would help me with kneading the dough – a good sensory activity. It would be a big mess, but he was very interested. These days, he walks around the kitchen, naming all the items in the kitchen and spelling out words on the containers: F – L - O – U – R.”
I remember sitting there in complete awe of this seventy-year-old grantparent who was ferrying her autistic grandchild to different therapies three days of the week and interacting with him at home. She was seemingly undaunted by the challenges of her grandchild’s deficits and difficulties. Because of her inclusion of Bryan into her cooking activities, Grandmother Carol helped to draw him out of his autistic world.
On the other end of the spectrum are the grandparents who want to have nothing to do with their grandchildren with special needs. Some parents lament the fact that their parents dote on the typical grandchildren of their siblings, while excluding their children with special needs from family gatherings. Although they are willing to babysit their typical grandchildren, these grandparents will not extend the same offer to their grandchildren with special needs.
Most grandparents, I believe, occupy the middle zone of the spectrum. They are enthusiastic and passionate about raising their grandchildren with special needs. However, they lack the knowledge of appropriate strategies to know how to raise these children successfully. Governed primarily by their previous parenting experiences and/or conventional notions of parenting, these grandparents sometimes do more harm than good inadvertently.
For instance, while holding the hand of a child when walking in public is a common practice, in the case of a non-verbal autistic child, a grandparent’s insistence on holding this child’s hand may be construed as an act of restraint by the latter. The child may react by pinching or even biting the hand of the grandparent to get him or her to let go.
Similarly, grandparents trying to teach their grandchildren who have learning difficulties such as hyperactivity and the inability to attend, due to developmental disorders, may not realize that the conventional worksheets or teaching approaches for typical children are inappropriate. Forcing them to learn in this fashion will not only be ineffective, but also be stressful for both the grandparents and the children.
In making these observations, it is not my intention to dissuade grandparents from caring for children with special needs. Believe me, Grandmother Carol did not start out on this journey with the innate wisdom of knowing how to raise Bryan. As with us parents, Grandmother Carol gained the knowledge and information from the therapists in her dialogues with them at the end of the sessions. The knowledge and information she accumulated enabled her to better understand Bryan and interact with him effectively.
There is no question that raising grandchildren with special needs can be extremely difficult for grandparents who have already invested tremendous effort in raising their own children to adulthood. However, for those of you who are still going strong (and I know of many grandparents who are), I hope that you will not be put off by the fact that you may have to set aside some of your previous knowledge and experience to learn new caregiving strategies and approaches. As with Grandmother Carol, you can also become an effective and successful grandparent of children with special needs and serve as the first line of support for your own child.
Choo Kah Ying is a parent trainer. Kchoo7@gmail.com
posted by Choo Kah Ying at
10:02 AM
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